A Broken Heart (by Cutekait101) I’m feeling a bit distressed over Valentine’s Day. I’m trying to go about it as responsibly as possible; I gave both my partners money, said “this is your budget, do something with me” and I’ve my own designs on plans and offerings to make it enjoyable. I scheduled each one a specific timeframe for when I will be with one or the other. It’s so textbook responsibly polyamorous, but I’m still feeling anxious. I’m tired of feeling like celebrations are a show I put on for other people. I also know I need to make myself more open to letting others do nice things for me. I’m also tired of never succeeding at all the things I used to do to sweep people off their feet. It’s a shortage of resource, emotional and financial and time that holds me back. Whenever I fall short, I get told it’s okay and not to worry. At that point though, it’s not for them.  It’s not for anyone; I’m just tired of not being good enough for myself. I can’t stand not meeting my own standards anymore.  I’m afraid of things feeling like we’re just going through the motions; I want to make everyone genuinely happy. I’m afraid they see through me and think I’m just trying to satisfy my own ego, so they settle for less or just play along. I miss when things were splendid.

A Broken Heart (by Cutekait101)

I’m feeling a bit distressed over Valentine’s Day. I’m trying to go about it as responsibly as possible; I gave both my partners money, said “this is your budget, do something with me” and I’ve my own designs on plans and offerings to make it enjoyable. I scheduled each one a specific timeframe for when I will be with one or the other. It’s so textbook responsibly polyamorous, but I’m still feeling anxious.

I’m tired of feeling like celebrations are a show I put on for other people. I also know I need to make myself more open to letting others do nice things for me.

I’m also tired of never succeeding at all the things I used to do to sweep people off their feet. It’s a shortage of resource, emotional and financial and time that holds me back. Whenever I fall short, I get told it’s okay and not to worry. At that point though, it’s not for them. 

It’s not for anyone; I’m just tired of not being good enough for myself. I can’t stand not meeting my own standards anymore. 

I’m afraid of things feeling like we’re just going through the motions; I want to make everyone genuinely happy. I’m afraid they see through me and think I’m just trying to satisfy my own ego, so they settle for less or just play along.

I miss when things were splendid.

3 months ago  Notes (2)
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